Tuesday, June 6, 2017

My Exposed Heart

There are battles in my head.

They are brutal. 

Full blown wars.

They affect my heart.

Old thoughts and ideas battling it out with new thoughts and ideas. Then there are my thoughts and the enemy's thoughts and God usually chimes in.

It can be quite loud.

I'm starting to win these battles.

Blessed be the LORD my strength, who teaches my hands to war...
Psalm 144:1

In April I hosted a tea at my home, it is something I have committed to do twice a year and bring women together that normally wouldn't be together. The week of the tea, on my birthday actually, our septic system went out. There was water seeping out from under the toilets and people scrambling to get towels around the bases. As soon as we got the water stopped I googled "porta potty", because I was determined to have the party. For too much of my life I had let temporary circumstances alter my choices and decisions. 

Not anymore.
Breathing is a good idea, essential in fact,
but I am finding that sometimes
I just have to hold my breath
because it helps me do terrifying things.

I had decided and informed my family that this would be our "open door" party. My room smelled terrible. We have carpet just outside the small, tiled area where the toilet is. I borrowed a fan and a dehumidifier, but those only helped some. I reasoned with myself that it was okay to close just "my" door. Oh, the temptation was fierce, but I was committed. I knew this was a defining moment. If I allowed another circumstance to make me shut my door (the door of my heart) to others then I would lose the forward momentum I had gained. I had come too far to let a stinky rug and a messy corner force me to hide again.

There was something very freeing
 about letting people see my mess.
Nothing is riskier or more vulnerable than cracking open the doors of our messy, guest-unready homes, let alone the doors of our actual lives. Because, deep down, there are messes much messier than the dust bunnies or gritty dishes. There are fears and doubts and despair and broken places that cut so deep it takes the breath away. Lisa-Jo Baker, Never Unfriended

The truth is, nobody really cares about the messy corners of our hearts or our homes. People want to be welcomed into our lives and when we don't try to clean up before they come, they feel like they are home.

This is something seemingly insignificant, but extremely healing for me. I am opening up and being real more and it is changing my life. For many of us being "real" was never an option or if we were "real" we were chastised for it. We are sons or daughters of God and can trust Him to bring beauty from our ashes and order from our chaos.

Nothing is too hard for Him!

Have you tried it, letting someone into your messy home or heart? Will you?

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